Just the two of us, for now

Cameron and I have been very private lately about our fertility/adoption situation. However, as I said in the last post, I have felt prompted to start blogging again. I don't know how much I want to share, but I figure the Lord will guide me through this post. I'm not sure if this is for me or someone else...but for some reason I feel I should write about it.

Around two years ago, I started writing a book. Through the years, our frustration and heartache has come from several sources. Besides the obvious, we have dealt with a lot of insensitive comments and judgment. It is incredibly difficult to be infertile and be a member of the church. I've found many talks that have given me comfort and a sense that I am not alone. However, when discussing the anger and resentment childless couples often feel, the talks focus on finding peace through prayer, faith, and understanding. While this is incredibly important, I have come to realize through experience that we cannot ignore the negative feelings. It's important to know that other infertile couples feel these things too, and you are not a bad person for having them. Prayer in an excellent and necessary tool to working through it, but sometimes we need to find a way to express them as well. People need to have an outlet for these feelings no matter how justified or irrational they are. For example, I never would have survived our experiences with infertility and adoption in CA if it hadn't been for a dear friend of mine. When life through a curve ball my way, I was often told to let it go and realize that if wasn't anyone's fault. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. So, my friend suggested we go to lunch and "hate the world." It may sound crazy but it was one of my saving graces. We would spend an hour feeling sorry for ourselves and railing against how unfair things are. Then, when we left the restaurant, we left the negativity behind and moved on lighter and happier, and ready to face our struggles anew.

It's important to understand that this book is intent on helping couples dealing with infertility and adoption find peace, not fueling their anger and resentment. I never start writing without saying a prayer for guidance. 

I've been strongly prompted lately to finish the book. It's been difficult to get back into it though. When Cam and I moved to New York, we decided to take a break. After the failed attempt at my surgery, I was so broken. I couldn't handle it. Writing the book in that frame of mind was not possible. We left the pain behind and ignored the biological clock ticking away. Cameron and I even started discussing a "stop date." At some point, we will have to come to terms with being a family of two until we reach the next life. We decided to focus on us for a little while. We spent so much time living our life with the question of "what if." People were always telling us to enjoy our time alone together because life with kids changes it all. We never really took that time since we started trying so early in our marriage. So, we lived for the last two years without any backup plan, the "what if we have kids" plan... We have given ourselves time to heal, all though the scars never completely disappear.

Over the last few months we've begun to look at renewing our efforts to multiply and replenish the earth. Unfortunately, this decision brings the return of former anguish and memories of the events that brought on our period of respite. I'm not sure how I'll handle the struggles ahead, but I know the Lord has a plan, even if I'm not aware of what it is. I do know however, that somebody needs to hear mine and my friend's story.

So, as I prepare to jump back into my writing, I have been doing some research. Today, I came across several talks that have inspired me. I don't know how I missed them the last time, all though a few of them were from this year, but several were from the 80's. One in particular is called "Just the Two of Us for Now," from the February 1989 Ensign. I recommend it, even if you haven't dealt with this particular trial. I probably shouldn't have been reading it during sacrament today...hopefully nobody saw me crying, but I'm so grateful that I ran across it.

I don't know exactly what is next for us. But, I know the Lord will guide us and that the pain we are about to experience has a purpose. So....off we go.