Adoption update

Wow! I'm so terrible at keeping up with my blog...probably why my journal is so empty. lol! Well, Cameron and I attended our last PRIDE (adoption/foster training) last Saturday. The classes have been pretty informative. We discussed abuse, inter-racial adoption, discipline, and all kinds of other things. Cameron and I got our live scans (digital finge printing) done at the end of June, so we just have to do CPR this Saturday. After that the county's private adoption agency will make an appt with us for a home study. 

Several interesting things happened in class last weekend though. I'm about to rant and rave a little. Just fair warning. We had several speakers, which was pretty cool. A mom whose kids had gone into foster care, and then been re-unified with her, a foster mom for babies, and a nurse who works for the county and has 4 adopted children. There have been things through out this class that I have not agreed with, and I just smile, nod, keep my mouth shut and know I'll do it my way. However, Saturday I came as close as I ever have to getting really mad in class. The last speaker, the adoptive mother, gave a speech about how you need to be connected to the birth people of your kids. She said every adopted kid will eventually be interested in knowing their birth people (she said parents, but I say people because I don't believe they should have that title). I so badly wanted to raise my hand and say I personally knew 3 adopted children who have never once cared to know anything about their birth people. After telling one of them this story, she confirmed that none of her three adopted siblings ever cared either.

Here's the worst part though...She said (and remember, she has four adopted children, she could give birth to any) that those adopted kids are "genetically a part of that family". I wanted to scream!!!!!! Biology and genetics have nothing to do with "FAMILY". As far as I'm concerned, the body is just a house for our spirit and those babies are my spirit children. The woman who gives birth to them is just a spirit delivery truck. I couldn't believe that this woman would feel that way. She was impying that I would never have the same bond with these children that I would with a child I gave birth too. She might as well have said Cam and I weren't their "real" parents. I left that class feeling cheated that I might never give birth to a child. Through out this process I have felt less and less pain about that. I just want to be a mommy, I don't care if I carry that child in my womb. But those feelings bubbled to the surface a little because she made me feel like I would never be a "real" parent. If your children ever had the slightest bit of insecurity about being adopted or feeling as if they don't belong, all that attitude does it feed those feelings. It's not fair to my kids or to me. Now I know that these people don't have the eternal perspective that Cam and I have through the gospel. But I still couldn't believe they would encourage this attitude. One woman in class who already has an adopted daughter said they celebrate the day she was adopted. I thought, no way. My kids will always be aware that they are adopted, but I will never emphasize it. Anyway, that was the frustrating part of the day. 

Here's the great part. Somehow the subject of social workers came up and one of the instructors asked if anyone had been contacted by theirs. I was the only one who raised my hand. I didn't think a whole lot about it until lunchtime. A couple of the others in the clas came and asked us about it. Apparently they had their paperwork in and  had called the office and tried to find out who their case worker was and had no luck. So I started thinking about it. Our social worker has been amazing. She called me as soon as she recieved the form from the orientation and walked me through the whole process. Then she called me the day she recieved our packet of paper work. She told me she had just gotten it and that she was walking the application for live scan over to the right person and that I could call and make an appt after I jung up with her. So I did. Then she called me right before our last PRIDE class to make sure we knew our next steps and that she had everything she needed. She mailed out new forms (because we moved into a house) the day I called her. She always calls me back after a day or two. I though, now why are we getting such great service? Then it clicked. When we turned in the orientation form, we checked siblings. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty positive that we are being rushed through the process because we'll take siblings. The instructors told us what a hard time they have keeping siblings together. She may evern have kids in mind for us already! I'm trying not to hope...but I can't help it! So we may be really really close to being a mommy and a daddy!!!! Yay!!!!! I'm so excited!

Adoption class

Cameron and I attended the first of 4 foster/adopt classes on Saturday. There was a lot of really great information, all though Cameron and I were often quite bored... They spent a ton of time talking about the foster system and fostering. The thing is, when you are a concurrent foster parent (which means approved for adoption) you can choose to either be a normal foster parent while waiting for the children you'll adopt, or you can just wait until they have the children you are likely to be able to adopt. We have chosen the latter. So a good amount of the info did not apply to us. Plus, there were a lot of hypothetical questions that led us onto tangents....oiy. There was good info too though. For those who don't know, one of the downsides of adopting through the county is that these children have not been given up voluntarily. Therefore there is a chance that they will be reunited with their biological parents. By waiting and not fostering early, we lower the chance significantly that these kids will be sent back home. We won't be called until the social worker is pretty confident that we'll be able to adopt. Ok I don't know how to say this without sounding callous, but we were really excited to learn that they have a book of sibilings waiting for adoptive homes. Obviously, I feel horrid for all those poor kids, especially the ones who will eventually be separated because no one will take siblings. But Cam and I want siblings, so not only do we get to know we kept family together, but we'll get called a hec of a lot faster! I didn't realize so many people were not open to siblings. I know it's a lot, but I love the idea of being able to tell my babies that they had the same birth lady. Hopefully it will help them to continue to feel connected as a family and not feel like they have no attachment to their biological roots. After watching a video and hearing more about the foster process, I will say this. I am more determined than ever to have a closed adoption, and to keep our age limit to two. I have a friend who has had a rough time with her open adoption. It takes away from our motherhood, and I just can't do it. When I adopt my babies, I will be there mother for time and all eternity. One of the workers there told us something her adopted daughter said and I loved it! She said, some babies grow in tummies and some babies grow in hearts. Isn't that awesome?

Adoption

When I was first researching adoption in our county, I found serveral blogs written by adoptive parents chronicling their experiences adopting. It was very interesting and quite helpful to read about, not to mention just comforting knowing that someone was going through the same thing. So, I decided to chronicle Cameron's and my experience in our blog. Theses posts will always be labeled "Adoption". 

One day I was talking to a friend of mine, when she asked me if Cameron and I had considered adoption. It was kind of funny because she felt prompted to ask me but almost didn't because she felt it was too personal of a question. Thank goodness however, she did ask me. I told her that Cameron and I had strated looking into the process in IL, but it's very expensive and since we moved we had to basically start all over. With the move and everything, it would be a while before we could save up the money to adopt through LDS social services. 

She told me that the county we live in, Contra Costa County, has a foster-adopt program that has no cost to the Parents. I about fell off my chair. I was absolutely speechless. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, could we really be that lucky? Would we actually be able to adopt in the near future? I bombarded her with questions about it, and I must have asked her at least 4 or 5 times if she was sure it was free. She and her husband had started the process but stopped due to pregnancy, so she knew quite a bit about it. 

I went home and looked up the website, I spent all evening reading about the program and other people's experiences. When I told Cameron about it that night, he was also in shock. Eventually we got over our shock and moved into action! 

We attended an orientation where they told us about the county, the process, and other information. It was really informative and by the time we left, we really excited! We had heard from our friends that the people in this program were extremely wonderful, and the people at the orientation certainly lived up to that. This county really puts the children first. They try to place kids so that they only go to one foster home, then are either adopted or returned to family. They don't want them bounced around. Isn't that awesome? The biggest road block with adopting through the county is making sure that we are comfortable with the fact that these children are considered "at risk".  As opposed to LDS social services, these kids are removed from their homes, usually due to neglect. There is the possibility of drug addiction through the mother for an infant, and also the risk that a child placed with us could be re-united with their parents. I prayed hard about this, and in a blessing, the answer I was given was that we were doing the right thing and that there was a baby waiting for us. So I figure, if we get a placement and they are taken away, then the Lord will give me the strength to deal with it, or it won"t happen. I'm just having faith and putting it in God's hands.

We have to do a live scan, which is digital fingerprinting. We have to have 27 hours of training, which they provide, called PRIDE classes. We had TONS of forms to fill out too. Honestly, our hardest decision so far was picking our references. We were not allowed even onre family member as a reference. The hard part is finding people who had known both of us a long time, could recomend us based on their knowledge of us with children, and making sure they were responsible enough to fill the form out and return it promptly. We were able to pick four though, and they were all sooooo wonderful about getting the forms in quickly. 

The forms consisted of: Budget statement, health statements, scale drawings of our home and the pool area at our apartment, background check releases for every state lived in in the last 5 yrs, Applications for the live scan, copies of drivers liscence, and a few others. Our live scan is set for June 25th. After that and the PRIDE classes, they will do our homestudy. They will come to our home and make sure it meets the standards for the state and county. 

We were more than willing to take twins, and when I asked pne of the women at the orientation about it, she said if we were willing to take a sibling set, we would get placement faster. She said last year, they had 7 sets of twins that they couldn't find homes for! I couldn't believe it! WHERE WAS I??? Anyway, Cam and I discussed the possibility of taking a sibling set and it felt really right. So we told them that we would love a sibling set if the oldest was 2 or under and we would like and infant. I thought a lot about it and felt that 2 was as old as I was ready to go right now. At 2, kids are still young enough that the likelyhood of abuse is very slim, and they are still developing their personalities. I obviously can't say for sure, but I get the feeling we are going to be blessed with two. As my mom said, I need to catch up! :)

We are trying to keep ouselves from going crazy, but now that it is so close I am having a hard time being patient! So we started re-arranging our furniture to pill the piano and desk out of the second bedroom so that it can be a nursery. Unfortunately , our apartment is a little small, but it will do for now. Hopefully we can buy a house when our lease is up next february. I'll write about decorating and more in my next adoption post.