As I listened to conference today, there were many things said that I felt touched by. For some reason, there were quite a few talks about mothers and this divine calling. After listening to a talk in the
morning session about our attitudes and feeling slighted or being angry at others, I felt a little guilty about wanting to fast forward through those talks.
It may be my own fault I'm not a mother yet. I don't put much effort into reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and Cam and even have real trouble keeping the Sabbath day. We rationalize that it is difficult when it is just the two of us. We get bored and want to leave the house, we don't want to have a two-person FHE, we go to sleep at vastly different times each night, blah, blah, blah... I keep telling myself we will raise righteous children to serve the Lord. Today, they spoke of teaching our children by example. Why should I think that I'll just snap into good habits when I become a mother? I need to develop those habits now. I do realize that, but it doesn't make it any easier. Maybe I will find the focus I need to eat healthier, and do my homework, and the other things that I have desperately prayed for, if I do the small things the Lord asks of me, duh. These are, I'm sure, no surprise to you, but it makes me feel better to write it down. Maybe by putting it out here for anyone to see I'll feel compelled to try harder.
Anyway, Elder Foster recited parts of a poem by Elizabeth Akers Allen and I thought it was very beautiful. I never wanted to be a child, I always longed to be a grown up. People would tell me when I was an adult I would then wish I was still a child. This has never been true until I read this poem. As a child I didn't have to be the mother, I had a great one and if I wanted to be the "mommy" I cared for my dolls (which oddly wasn't often. How strange that for someone who never dreamed of being a mom, I should be so tortured by not being one now). Hopefully, my child will one day think of me this way and long for the days when I rocked them to sleep. Someday I'll do something special with this poem, but for now I'll post it here and hope that someone who missed his talk today will be touched by it too.
"BACKWARD, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,
Make me a child again just for to-night!
Mother, come back from the echoless shore,
Take me again to your heart as of yore;
Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,
Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;
Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!
Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!
I am so weary of toil and of tears,—
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain,—
Take them, and give me my childhood again!
I have grown weary of dust and decay,—
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away;
Weary of sowing for others to reap;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!
Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue,
Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you!
Many a summer the grass has grown green,
Blossomed and faded, our faces between:
Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain,
Long I to-night for your presence again.
Come from the silence so long and so deep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!
Over my heart, in the days that are flown,
No love like mother-love ever has shone;
No other worship abides and endures,—
Faithful, unselfish, and patient like yours:
None like a mother can charm away pain
From the sick soul and the world-weary brain.
Slumber's soft calms o'er my heavy lids creep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!
Come, let your brown hair, just lighted with gold,
Fall on your shoulders again as of old;
Let it drop over my forehead to-night,
Shading my faint eyes away from the light;
For with its sunny-edged shadows once more
Haply will throng the sweet visions of yore;
Lovingly, softly, its bright billows sweep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!
Mother, dear mother, the years have been long
Since I last listened your lullaby song:
Sing, then, and unto my soul it shall seem
Womanhood's years have been only a dream.
Clasped to your heart in a loving embrace,
With your light lashes just sweeping my face,
Never hereafter to wake or to weep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!"
-Elzabeth Akers Allen-
Your soft silky hair brushes my arm
your breathing is even and sweet
I cradle you close to keep you warm
and place a kiss on your sweet rosy cheek
Do you dream of Heaven?
You were there not long ago.
Were you very excited when
it was your turn to go?
I promise to teach you
to walk in the light
I promise to guide you
'till your again in God's sight
No matter how you started your journey
whether through my womb or not
I'll love you for eternity
just as a mother aught
I lay you now down to slumber
I'll still lay by your side for a while
Here is a blanket to tuck you under
how I'm longing for morning and your smile
My eyes pop open to early morning sun
I realize this dream is like every other
I wonder as the tears begin to run
when will I be your mother?
-L-
