The Lone Sailor Table- POW/MIA

We recently attended the Navy Seabee Ball. It was soooooo much fun! During the program, they did a tribute to POWs and those are MIA. It was so moving, I thought I'd share it.

The set up is  1 small round table, 1 chair leaning against the table, white table cloth, table set for 1, salt shaker, 1 lemon slice, black vase with yellow ribbon, black napkin, red rose, and a water glass inverted on table.

Those who have served and those currently serving the uniformed services of the United States are ever mindful that the sweetness of enduring peace has always been tainted by the bitterness of personal sacrifice. We are compelled to never forget that while we enjoy our daily pleasures, there are others who have endured and may still be enduring the agonies of pain, deprivation and internment.
• Before we begin our activities this evening, we will pause to recognize our POW’s and MIA’s.
• We call your attention to this small table, which occupies a place of dignity and honor near the head table. It is set for one, symbolizing the fact that members of our armed forces are missing from our ranks. They are referred to as POW’s and MIA’s. We call them comrades.
• They are unable to be with their loved ones and families tonight, so we join together to pay our humble tribute to them, and bear witness to there continued absence.
• This table, set for one, is small, symbolizing the frailty of one prisoner, alone against his or her suppressors.
• The tablecloth is white, symbolic of the purity of their intentions to respond to their country’s call to arms.
• The single red rose in the vase, signifies the blood they many have shed in sacrifice to ensure the freedom of our beloved United States of America. This rose also reminds us of the family and friends of our missing comrades who keep the faith, while awaiting their return.
• The yellow ribbon on the vase represents the yellow ribbons worn on the lapels of the thousands who demand with unyielding determination a proper accounting of our comrades who are not among us tonight.
• A slice of lemon on the plate reminds us of their bitter fate.
• The salt sprinkled on the plate reminds us of the countless fallen tears of families as they wait.
• The glass is inverted - they cannot toast with us this night.
• The chair is empty - they are not here.
• The candle is reminiscent of the light of hope which lives in our hearts to illuminate their way home, away from their captors, to the open arms of a grateful nation.
• Let us pray to the Supreme Commander that all of our comrades will soon be back within our ranks.
• Let us remember and never forget their sacrifices.
• May God forever watch over them and protect them and their families.
• Taps is played and “Some Gave All”


Just thought it was really cool.

Praise to the Man

As I write my book, I listen to hymns to make sure that I am always writing with the spirit. I don't ever want this book to come off as a bitter rant. One of my favorite albums to listen to is the Motab CD, 'Praise to the Man." The title song in particular. Sometimes, I even put it on repeat. It helps me to remember that while I have certainly had my faith and strength tried, I have not had to endure a fraction of what has been asked of some people.

On Sunday, a woman who is dealing with some serious health issues, asked for advice from the women on how to find faith when you feel as though you've been tapped out.  I didn’t have an answer to her question. I don’t know how people stay so faithful. I’ve struggled with the trial of infertility, on top of other issues, for 11 years, and there are times when I let it over shadow my faith. The only thing I can say is that if I didn’t have faith, I can only imagine that would just make our situation worse. I suppose I continue to have faith that the Lord has a plan because if I didn’t, the hopelessness would consume me. I wanted to be able to raise my hand and tell her that I had an answer for her on how to have more faith when yours is running out. Unfortunately, I don’t. I haven’t figured it out yet. I'm still working on accepting the hand I've been dealt and finding the faith to believe it has a greater purpose than I can understand.

But, as I listen to this hymn, I do know that sometimes we have to rely on the faith of others. Let your friends and family hold you up. Find peace and happiness in what has been done for you, especially by those who have come long before you and paved a path for you to follow.

This is why I have chosen to write this story. I struggle with it every time I sit down to add words to these pages. But, someone, someday, somewhere is going to find comfort from my experiences. But, despite the things I've learned, I still struggle to keep my faith, I'm sure it will always be that way. Otherwise, how would I truly appreciate my blessings?

I'll hop down off of my soap box now. I just felt like letting out a little of the emotions clogging my mind. And...maybe I'm procrastinating a little. Back to writing...

Update...long overdue...

So, as you may have noticed from our "Fertility Watch" calendar on the side of the blog. We tried the IUI 3 times with no luck. It was an incredibly difficult process and we have no plans to continue with it as of right now.Our new insurance isn't great, and emotionally we just can't handle it.

In June, Cameron begged me to consider moving from New York. I agreed to think about it. The weather has been tough on me and the expense of living there was really getting to us. So, I did some thinking... I decided if I was going to leave NYC it had to be for a place like Southern California. Low and behold, Cam got serious about finding a job there. Dang, that boy is good. When he wants something bad enough, apparently he and the Lord work together for him to get it. lol

In October, he was offered a job with Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. We moved at the end of November and now live in Woodland Hills, just outside of the LA/Malibu areas. We really really love it here. Cameron is really kind of adorable, he goes to bed excited for work everyday. His co-workers are amazing. Pepperdine is a Christian University very much like BYU. After working with New Yorkers at BAM for the last three years, the atmosphere is like a cool drink of water for a man wandering in the desert. lol :)

I decided to put the pedal to the medal and get my book done, so that's my priority right now. It's going well and I hope to have it published soon. I've decided to self-publish it, so it will be out sooner than later. I've been very dedicated to writing it with the spirit and I feel like it will be a real inspiration and comfort to others in my situation. Maybe I'll post the Author's Note on here eventually... I haven't decided.

Anyway, that's whats up with us right now. Lots of blessing to rejoice in.

Cameron and Lori's week of fun!

We've had this week planned as a "staycation" for quite a while. Somehow, we got lucky with the timing. Our last week of the wait time coincides perfectly with the time off. So Cam and I are happily keeping our minds off of what is coming next Sunday. Oiy,

There is nothing like a vacation with no plans. Have you ever taken a "staycation?" "It's the BEST Jerry, the Best!" (Been watching too much Seinfeld...) We are just doing fun New Yorky type things. Friday we ran errand...more fun that it sounds! Saturday we geocached a whole island and saw some historical landmarks and stuff. Sunday...church and home teaching...nothing new lol. Today we hit the Coney Island Beach!!!

Coney Island... Interesting thing, the beach is kind of dirty (They are still in their big push to clean it up), have to watch where you walk. And, the water is cold as ice (Cam never wants to go to the really nice beach because its not free... sheesh). However, they have a really great boardwalk with lots of good food and some shops. Plus, its iconic dude. So, how what do you think it will take to get Cameron to do some rides? Believe it or not, he's gotten kinda stodgy in his old age. He's quite a cutie pie, but he needs to lighten up again. Let's see if we can resurrect the teenager in him today. lol!

Well....OSWEGO!!

And...here we go again

I've officially set up an appointment with an NYU reproductive endocrynologist for May, 7. Fitting, I suppose, that this appointment to 3 days before I turn 30. No time to waste anymore, as I've been so graciously reminded. Isn't this a switch? I remember writing a blog about how frustrating it is when people tell me I'm young and have "plenty of time." Apparently, I've graduated to the "you're running out of time" stage. lol. Isn't life a crazy circle?

I've got to admit, after I made the appointment Friday, I was pretty down about it. It's not that I'm not looking forward to progress...it's just that this process is so emotionally shattering. I can already feel the pain, and it hasn't even started yet. This may seem like a depressing entry to my blog, but really its just me trying to find a cathartic outlet.

Something to lift the spirits is that today is the first official games of the MLB season! Yay! Go Cubs! It just so happens that the Cubs are playing the Nationals in DC on May 10, 11, & 12! What a great birthday present!! We are totally going to the games. Fun right??

Honestly, it seems like there isn't much else going on in our lives, so the blog has been pretty empty as of late. I've been working to build my online training program, but as with everything else I attempt...its not going anywhere. Hopefully, that will change soon. I've been putting my sister through the program as my guinea pig and she is doing AMAZING! I'm crazy proud of her and its been really fun.

Now that the boring stuff has been reported...maybe the next post will be full of fun and exciting news! Lol. Who knows?  We'll keep updating the fertility stuff too.

One of the Greats

Cameron had an amazing experience last Sunday and shared it in a email. I thought I'd post it here as well. :)

09/30/2012

Wynton Marsalis was at BAM today.  I had worked it out with our department of Artist Services to arrange for an introduction.  There was a lot going on and I was not going to be able to stay until the end of the show as previously arranged.  At intermission, I went down to the stage level.  I met up with Stacey Dinner; one of our Artist Services staff.  I explained I had to go and handed her my copy of the Hayden Trumpet Concerto and asked if she could get Wynton to sign it.  She said, “Sure but hang on.”  She pulled up her phone, I heard her say, “hey, you got a minute?  Ok.  You downstairs?  Ok.  We’ll head your way.”  At the stairs, we met a man that Stacey introduced to me as the band manager.  She told him that I was interested in meeting Wynton and getting his autograph.  He boisterously said, “Sure thing.  Come on down.”  We were taken below stage just by the pit doors.  I was introduced to many of the band members and I thanked them for being at BAM and for the good show they were putting on.  I saw Wynton riffing with the band enjoying himself.  He looked relaxed and like he was having a good time.  The manager went up to him and told him, “This young man wants to talk to you.”  Wynton said, “Sure” and gestured for me to come over. 

I introduced myself as the Director of Building Operations for BAM and thanked him for the being here and putting on such a great show.  I then asked, “I was wondering if I could ask for one indulgence.” He said sure.  I began my story: 

“Twenty years ago I began to play the trumpet.”  He broke in, “Twenty years?  My Lord.  Let me shake your hand again.”  We laughed and I continued.  “My parents put me in trumpet lessons early.  During my first lesson I was told to get three things.  The first was a copy of Arbans method book.”  He said, “Sure that makes sense.  And the second was that copy of the Hayden Concerto?”  I replied, “That’s it.”  He said, “I’d know that piece anywhere.  What was the third?”  I said, “Wynton Marsalis, The London Concert.”   He looked stunned.  He put his hand on my shoulder.  I continued, “I was told that if I wanted to be a great trumpeter, I needed to listen to greatness.  I took this piece and learned it while developing my own sound by listening to The London Concert and other Marsalis recordings.  That direction shaped a lot of who I turned out to be as a musician and this piece [the Hayden Trumpet Concerto] was my audition piece for college where I was accepted on a trumpet performance scholarship."  I told him that I would be honored if he would sign this piece.  He looked as if he was going to well up.  He put his arm around me and said, “That is one of the best things I ever heard.”  He continued, “Do you want me to sign the cover?”  I nodded and he said, “C-A-M-E-R-O-N, right?”  I affirmed.  He then wrote, Cameron, Thank you. That makes it worth it.  Signed Wynton Marsalis.  I thanked him for the gift and told him I would treasure it.  I also told him that I would be sure to come see him at Lincoln Center.  He said, “When you do, call my office.  Tell them who you are.  I’ll take care of it.”  I was shocked and said, “Wow.  That’s great.  Thank you very much.”  He said, “Thank you for telling me your story.” 

At that point, the show was just a few minutes from resuming and everyone needed to get back to places.  I thanked Stacey and the band manager for making it happen and we parted ways.  He was so approachable and welcoming, he made me feel as if I could have visited all afternoon and it would have been just fine. 

Many times with successful individuals, you don’t get truly genuine people.  He seemed to really appreciate my experience and made me feel that he won’t soon forget it.  I am sure he meets hundreds of people each year that tell him how he has influenced their life but he didn’t show it.  He took in the experience as if I was his only fan in the world.  He made me feel so welcome and appreciated.  It was inspirational for me to experience that.  Regardless of how successful he has become, he welcomed me into his world and we shared a moment that I know I shall never forget.  

Until today, Wynton was always a musical inspiration; someone I could look to for stylistic phrasing, musical interpretation, or a sound I was trying to achieve.  Today, he added an element of character to that inspiration.  Being approachable and welcoming like that is a characteristic I have seen in few others.  I have been looking forward to this for about 6 months.  I could not have imagined what occurred.  I am truly honored to have had this experience and thought I would share it with you as well.

Just the two of us, for now

Cameron and I have been very private lately about our fertility/adoption situation. However, as I said in the last post, I have felt prompted to start blogging again. I don't know how much I want to share, but I figure the Lord will guide me through this post. I'm not sure if this is for me or someone else...but for some reason I feel I should write about it.

Around two years ago, I started writing a book. Through the years, our frustration and heartache has come from several sources. Besides the obvious, we have dealt with a lot of insensitive comments and judgment. It is incredibly difficult to be infertile and be a member of the church. I've found many talks that have given me comfort and a sense that I am not alone. However, when discussing the anger and resentment childless couples often feel, the talks focus on finding peace through prayer, faith, and understanding. While this is incredibly important, I have come to realize through experience that we cannot ignore the negative feelings. It's important to know that other infertile couples feel these things too, and you are not a bad person for having them. Prayer in an excellent and necessary tool to working through it, but sometimes we need to find a way to express them as well. People need to have an outlet for these feelings no matter how justified or irrational they are. For example, I never would have survived our experiences with infertility and adoption in CA if it hadn't been for a dear friend of mine. When life through a curve ball my way, I was often told to let it go and realize that if wasn't anyone's fault. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. So, my friend suggested we go to lunch and "hate the world." It may sound crazy but it was one of my saving graces. We would spend an hour feeling sorry for ourselves and railing against how unfair things are. Then, when we left the restaurant, we left the negativity behind and moved on lighter and happier, and ready to face our struggles anew.

It's important to understand that this book is intent on helping couples dealing with infertility and adoption find peace, not fueling their anger and resentment. I never start writing without saying a prayer for guidance. 

I've been strongly prompted lately to finish the book. It's been difficult to get back into it though. When Cam and I moved to New York, we decided to take a break. After the failed attempt at my surgery, I was so broken. I couldn't handle it. Writing the book in that frame of mind was not possible. We left the pain behind and ignored the biological clock ticking away. Cameron and I even started discussing a "stop date." At some point, we will have to come to terms with being a family of two until we reach the next life. We decided to focus on us for a little while. We spent so much time living our life with the question of "what if." People were always telling us to enjoy our time alone together because life with kids changes it all. We never really took that time since we started trying so early in our marriage. So, we lived for the last two years without any backup plan, the "what if we have kids" plan... We have given ourselves time to heal, all though the scars never completely disappear.

Over the last few months we've begun to look at renewing our efforts to multiply and replenish the earth. Unfortunately, this decision brings the return of former anguish and memories of the events that brought on our period of respite. I'm not sure how I'll handle the struggles ahead, but I know the Lord has a plan, even if I'm not aware of what it is. I do know however, that somebody needs to hear mine and my friend's story.

So, as I prepare to jump back into my writing, I have been doing some research. Today, I came across several talks that have inspired me. I don't know how I missed them the last time, all though a few of them were from this year, but several were from the 80's. One in particular is called "Just the Two of Us for Now," from the February 1989 Ensign. I recommend it, even if you haven't dealt with this particular trial. I probably shouldn't have been reading it during sacrament today...hopefully nobody saw me crying, but I'm so grateful that I ran across it.

I don't know exactly what is next for us. But, I know the Lord will guide us and that the pain we are about to experience has a purpose. So....off we go.